Parenting Article:

Routine, Rules and Rituals...

By: Ruth powell

The three "R's"! Routine, Rules and Rituals... I am sitting here thinking that each one of these "R's" could be a whole article unto itself - yet they compliment each other so well that I think they all deserve to stay! I will break them down separately to demonstrate how well they all support each other.

Routines

What would we do without some sort of routine with children - we all think we don't get enough sleep now! Can you imagine if children had no bedtime routine?! ...no neither can I. Routines give children a sense of security and control over their environment, and for want of a better word, belonging. Our sitter has told us on a few occasions how the children will often say "Mummy does it like this" or "This is how we do it". The familiarity of a routine acts as an anchor for children. When I worked in child care a lack of structure or routine in a room would result in upset children and an increase in behaviour problems.

Our typical morning and afternoon routine include a seven and four year old and:

Routines do however need to have some flexibility. I have known of parents who would never consider going out in the middle of the day (or to dinner with children) as it is sleep time. Sometimes it is ok to take the routine with you (such as children sleeping in prams) or to throw it out the window on occasion - you don't want to feel you are a complete slave to the routine rather that the routine is an anchor that can be pulled up and moved sometimes or changed to meet the changing needs of the family. Each child and family is different - my son at seven still thrives with a very set routine and notices if there is any shift in it - he protested a couple of months ago at the introduction of a different story time routine.

You will know when you have a great routine happening as you will receive validations from your children - they may start to initiate the routines and/or happily participate in a routine that may have once been unsettling. We missed quiet time the other night and my son was disappointed - "I really like quiet time". When we changed our routine to introduce a quiet time followed by a more structured story time with milk, bread and honey (I read this snack is great with helping children sleep soundly) our transition to bed was a lot smoother, and the constant requests after dinner for snack after snack stopped. There are no right or wrong routines - if there is a time of day in your family that is unsettled then it may be that it is time to change (or add) a routine like we did with the quiet time routine. We had friends over for dinner recently and a conversation started about what their children eat for dessert and she asked my son what he has. He said "bread and honey". My girlfriend just looked at me and laughed saying "Oh... Ruth, your poor children" but what ever works in your family is worth sticking to!

Rules

Children like clear boundaries/rules. I know this might not seem the case when they are pushing them but if rules are consistent and calmly enforced, they can have the same positive effect on children as the routine.

Some key factors for implementing rules include:

• Ensuring they are developmentally appropriate. For example, expecting a 1 year old to share their toys is not always going to work! They are not developmentally there yet - they are still in the "everything belongs to me stage!" - that's ok!
• Being consistent.
• Keep in mind (particularly with young children) that it is normal for children to need reminders.
• If rules are broken give a warning and then follow through with the given consequence.
• Remain calm - in other words (although I know this can be hard!) if your child begins to have a melt down resist the urge to have one with them.
• Role model appropriate behaviour.
• Don't over rule - meaning - if it doesn't need a rule don't give it one. My daughter loves water, I have found her a few times sitting in the sink having a bath - due to safety factors, I had to have a rule (that I might add was broken on a couple of occasions) that there was no more climbing into the sink. However I let her know that it was fine to pull up her step and bath her dolls or play with the water. So hence we have had a few changed clothes and towel mop ups but this is important work to a four year old! So I didn't want a 'no playing in the sink rule' to put a stop to this extremely messy... sorry creative work.
• Children need to be taught appropriate behaviour.
• Review challenging behaviour - firstly from the perspective of how the Routine, Rules or even Rituals may contribute to it. My son went through a stage of being so grumpy (and rude) when I picked him up from school. It turned out he just needed to go home and relax most days after school - so that is what we do now and this had made a difference - he never even asks to go for 'cake and coffee' once a week which he used to love.
• Praise positive behaviour and pay as little attention as possible to unwanted behaviour.

As we live at the top of a quiet cul de sac my children play out the front with the neighbours. At 5:30 when it is our "inside time" the other children in the street are often out playing a lot longer. My son noticed this and felt a little ripped off (as I guess you would at seven). But as coming in at 5:30 is a "family rule" - it just cannot be broken. We pick carefully our "family rules" as this word is a little like magic - suddenly it is not you saying 'no' it is simple in the hands of a higher power "The family rule".

After a couple of protests and a couple of reminders that went something like "I am not asking again, 5:30 is inside time for us, that's our family rule" it was quickly accepted. The other day I called him in (after giving a five more minutes warning) and I could not help but notice how happily (and quickly) he turned to his friends, gave a big wave and said "Bye"!

Interestingly I was talking to a girlfriend the other day (unbeknownst to her I am writing this article) and she commented on how well my children get along with each other, as do her two children and she wondered why it is that siblings sometimes don't get along. We both learned that we did actively guide and teach wanted behaviour and my friend also bought up that she will say to her children "the Eddingtons don't...". I thought this was interesting as it is much the same as our family saying of "In our family...". Of course there are many factors that contribute to siblings getting along but this concept does seem to have some 'magic' attached to it! Particularly when coupled with the three "R's". Just don't overuse it or it will lose some power!

Family Rituals

I love family rituals. I hope that one day my children will remember fondly the rituals that we do. Similar to the benefits of routines and rules, rituals give a sense of belonging and familiarity. Family rituals can really be anything your family wants it to be and they often do just become part of the routine.

We have weekly rituals such as each Monday we make scones together for afternoon tea. Wednesday night we make pizza and the children are allowed to eat it on the lounge during 'quiet time' - they loved this so much when we did it, that it just naturally became our Wednesday night routine/ritual. On Sunday mornings my husband makes pancakes and the children proudly bring me mine in bed. These weekly rituals give the children a sense of order - the other day my son reminded me (when I was half asleep and lost track of days) that on Saturday mornings that they were allowed to watch some TV and Sundays mornings were Pancake Day.

Yearly rituals include events such as birthdays. Our children have a few friends over, they pick the theme of the party/cake and help to make a list of food. For our birthdays the children help to prepare and throw a small family party. This year we also had a 'Spring morning tea' and invited Grandma around and a couple of other adult friends who were asked to wear 'Spring' clothes. For Valentine days we cut out love hearts for each other and I made a special dinner - my husband and I have never celebrated it in the past so we have decided just to make it a family affair that does not involve purchased gifts. Family rituals are really about the family doing fun things together.

Routines, Rules and Rituals support both the parents and the growing needs of children. A structured home/family environment that is also able to be flexibly is extremely grounding for not only children but the family as a whole. Children are growing and learning at such a rapid rate that a strong foundation that remains familiar and supporting allows children balance and importantly repetition.

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