Parenting Article:

Saying No - how to get better at it!

By: Rebecca Mezzino

I had an extremely busy last few months and I had to use all the skills in my time management toolbox to make sure I met all of my important commitments. I was so pressed I had to employ my not-often-used technique of culling items from my list altogether. I struggled with this and after thinking hard about it I realised I had a lot of trouble saying no.

So why do we over-commit ourselves? There are a number of different types of 'Yes people':

1. The "I want everyone to like me" people (that's me!)
2. The "I shouldn't be selfish" people
3. The "I need to keep busy" people

Most reasons that people give for never saying no generally fall into those categories. Sometimes they will rationalise it by saying that they don't want to put anyone out, or inconvenience anyone, but it usually comes back to "I want everyone to like me". But you need to like yourself, and therefore need to respect yourself and your needs. You can't keep giving without 'refilling your cup'.

For those that need to keep busy - be careful you're rowing in the right pond! You can be keeping yourself occupied with busy-ness, but not be doing anything you really should (or could!) be doing.

How do you say No every now and again? Here's a few tips:

1. Clarify your goals in life. Your work goals, family goals and personal goals are all extremely important in helping you decide on what you spend your valuable time. Every single activity you undertake needs to be working definitively and positively toward one of your goals. If the task you're considering taking on doesn't move you closer to a goal then it simply isn't valuable enough.

2. Don't make excuses or give lengthy explanations. You don't even need to give a reason. For example - "Thanks so much for your invitation to nominate for the committee. I won't be nominating this year. I hope all goes well with the elections". And don't be drawn into extended discussion about it - end the conversation or change the subject as soon as you can.

3. Don't feel guilty. Some people will huff and puff if you say no when they've never heard it come out of your mouth before. That's their problem, not yours. Try to tell yourself that so that guilt doesn't force you back into doing something you really can't afford the time to be doing. If you've been a 'yes' person for a long time, then you've made your contribution over and above and you should be proud of that rather than feel guilty - you deserve better than that!

4. Start slowly - practice not nominating yourself for a while before you start saying no. If you're the type of person who stands up after a long evening gathering and asks who wants a lift home (when you know they're all at least half an hour out of your way) then just keep your mouth shut! Sometimes you don't even need to say no, you just need to stop putting your hand up!

So why don't you take some time now to write down your goals, and then look at everything you have taken on (roles, responsibilities) that you can drop off your list so that you have more time for activities that are taking you further down the path to the best you possible! Try dropping a commitment or saying no to a request and see how it works. You'll be surprised at what a positive experience it can be.

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