Parenting Article: Premmie Babies

By: Elizabeth Murphy

Having a baby is an amazing joyous occasion. Friends, family, neighbours and acquaintances all gather around sending congratulatory cards, flowers, gifts. They all can't wait to visit the new baby, have a hold and pat dad on the back, go out for that celebratory drink and give the mum a warm hug and flowers. Everyone is happy and knows how to react.

Is it the same when a baby is born premature? No, not always.

In Australia, many babies are born premature, and stats are rising. Is the reaction of family, friends the same. Often no, its not. They are unsure whether to congratulate or send a condolence. I have had 3 prem babies and there is a lot more caution, trepidation and wariness with all involved.

It's a very frightening time for the parents whose baby comes too early or is sick. Depending on the baby's gestational age, weight, mother's health, babies health as to their survival. Babies born premature are whisked away to a NICU, or Special Care baby Unit. The joy soon turns to fear and panic and so sets in a rollercoaster ride. Every single minute is precious. It's an extremely worrying time.

It's a very isolating time for the parents. There is a fear they may loose their baby, may have long term health issues or concerns of being able to cope. Of guilt, anger and fear.

Mum is often constantly by the babys side when she can be. Learning how to feed with the baby in an isolette, with tubes and gadgets, and all with a fear of "what is going to happen". It's physically as well as mentally draining. There are monitors, drs, nurses, procedures and it can be extremely overwhelming.

Friends and family are often feeling at a loss too.
Many will not send a congratulatory card or present, just in case the baby passes away and it could upset the parents. Many will *wait* and see how things go before they send a card. Sometimes this could be a couple months later.

Friends and family are often news poor of what is happening and the condition of the baby. They are unsure what to do... what not to do, what to say and what not to say.

Supporting the parents during such a traumatic time can be a challenge for many people. Many just don't know what to do or even say, in fear they will do the wrong thing, when that is the last thing they want to do. So they do not do or say anything.

I have been on the receiving end of this, having had 3 prem babies and perfectly understand. I can only offer from my experience, some tips and advice for friends and family who want to help... but don't know how.

Tips for supporting a friend/family with a prem/sick baby

• Do send a card, present soon after if that's what you had intended on doing, to congratulate the arrival of their much loved baby
• Do knowledge it's a stressful time
• Offer positive feedback on the baby, their name, pics etc
• Give them a journal to write their journey at this time, a book of comfort or similar gift
• Do keep in touch, via a quick call, text, email or letter during their time in hospital to let them know you are thinking of them, even though they possible wont be up to returning calls etc for a while
• Offers of help at home, with other kids, animals, work, where you can during this time.
• Drop over frozen meals for the dad/family or once they get home from hospital
• Give mum a special notebook so she can diarise her journey through this time.
• Offer to do washing, shopping etc so its one less thing mum or dad needs to think about
• Offer to pass on info to other friends/family for them
• Do be there to listen and offer comfort
• Please don't offer parenting advise, your experiences, pry or pass judgement (its hard enough for the parents... no matter how well meaning you are)
• Please don't be self cantered and think of YOUR feelings on the situation, its hard enough for the parents without them feeling they have to make you feel comfortable)

If the unthinkable does happen and the baby passes away:

• Do not be afraid to use the baby's name
• Giving a special gift such as a special rose, ornament or something with the baby's name on it
• Do send cards and flowers letting them know you are thinking of them
• Remember the birthday of the baby and send the parents a special card letting them know you are thinking of them a year, 5 years later
• Be open for when they want to talk about their loss... and be empathetic
• Don't stay away thinking you don't want to upset them. Sometimes isolating them can be even worse.
• After the funeral can be the hardest time when people go back to everyday life. For me this was a time I really needed support.

For me both in the hospital and after the funeral of two of my prem babies, many people stayed away, didn't call, write or do anything... thinking this was the best approach.

Since talking to many mums with prem babies and some who have lost a child, they have all said how isolating this can be, and how they all wished they just had that lifeline at times.
Many a time it would be "us" having to make others feel comfortable with the prem baby, or talking about the baby who had passed away.... We all had to be strong for others, when at times, we wished we didn't have to.

Today there is so much more support available locally and nationally. As a parent, or friend of someone who has had a prem baby, there is a lot of support. Below are some great websites and resources.

Loddon Mallee Kids - www.loddonmalleekids.org.au

National Premmie Foundation - www.prembaby.org.au

National Premmie Foundation Member groups include:

• Central Coast Prems
• Lifes Little Treasures
• Lil Aussie Prems
• Little Wonders
• Loddon Mallee Kids
• NNICUPS
• PIPA

25th July 2008 marks National Premmie Day - see our Media Release for more information.

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