Parenting Article:

Mr. or Mrs. Mum?

By: Joni Leimgruber

Should Mum stay home with the kids or should Dad? Joni Leimgruber spoke to two families about how they make both situations work.

Mr. Mum family

When their first child, William, was born, Hayden stayed home to care for him and Leanne went back to full-time work. Hayden now cares for both Will (3) and Annabel (1) full-time. For this couple, the benefits of having a Mr. Mum set-up are limitless.

We decided that Hayden would be the main care giver mainly for economic reasons. I always thought I'd be a stay at home mum, because that's how I grew up. However, that changed once I started working.

It works well for us; the kids get real hands-on time with Hayden, which they love and having more money isn't everything but it certainly gives us more options. I love it too because I come home to cooked meals and clean washing! I'm very fortunate that my employer is quite flexible; sometimes I meet Hayden at appointments for the kids (eg. Will's kinder orientation) and make the time up later.

I can get very tired though, especially when I was breastfeeding and I've found that friendships can suffer because I like to spend all my 'after-hours' time with the kids.

The last three years have been a steep learning curve and I've had to learn to let Hayden do things his way. I've also found that it's very important to take time out and to make the effort to socialise, especially for Hayden's sake.

Socially it can be tough. My husband has been laughed at for being a Mr. Mum and someone commented to me, "He must be lazy". These comments upset me because I believe that my husband is more of a man for putting his family first by choosing what works best for all of us rather than simply conforming to the norm. Some assume that I'm working only because I have to, not because I want to and they feel sorry for me which can be frustrating, yet some people think it's fantastic. In the end, who cares what people think? As long as our family is happy.

Mrs. Mum family

For Susan and Steve, the decision was easy. Susan would fulfil her life long dream and stay home with their four children, Josiah (7), Evie (4), Lucas (2) with a fourth on the way, while Steve worked full-time.

Ever since I was a little girl, I really wanted to be a wife and mother. I've always loved taking care of children and although I didn't have any younger siblings, I was looking after other peoples kids from my early teens onwards.

One of the biggest benefits of staying at home is the time I have with my kids where they can ask questions like, "What is time?" (try answering that one!). I see it as a privilege to have this time with my kids and don't think I'll ever again have the opportunity to make such an impact on a life so I want to do the best I can.

At first it was tough getting used to putting all my time and effort into working at home and not getting paid for it. It was quite humbling to be dependent on Steve as the breadwinner. Now I feel like Steve and I are a team doing our different parts for the family and I don't see it as 'Steve's money' anymore.

I plan to stay at home until our youngest is at school because I think that's what's best for us as a family. Because Steve's job requires long hours, I feel it's important for the children to have a parent consistently in the home and I'm in the best position to be able to do that.

I'm really glad I haven't had to put my children in day care but believe that having the luxury of having Grandparents to care for your children would also be a great option.

I'll probably study from home for a couple of years and then work part-time within school hours once all the children are in school. I'm a big believer in taking things as they come though and don't spend a lot of time planning it out.

Joni Leimgruber, mother of three, is a Freelance Writer working from home. With clips from publications like Mother & Baby and The Sunday Telegraph, Joni is enjoying advancing her career while still being able to be with her kids. www.JoniL.com.au

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