One Mum's Story: Megan

Isaac and Matilda

I had a dream pregnancy with Isaac (now 33 months) and only had morning sickness for 6 weeks. When I was 36 weeks with him, I started getting dizzy spells and saw "stars". I thought it was just being stressed and didn't say anything to anyone.

When I had my 39 week check up, I mentioned it to my doctor after my blood pressure was quite high - 180/100. My doctor asked me a series of questions and got me to lay down on the bed and try in vain to fall asleep since I had told him I was so sleepy I could fall asleep anywhere at that point. He checked my blood pressure 10 minutes later and it was still through the roof, and then again 10 minutes later. Since my BP wouldn't come down he told me to go to the hospital and to be aware I may be induced.

We went home and got all my things together and rang the hospital. They told me to take my time coming up, not to rush, eat something and relax. I was so worried that I barely ate. We went to the hospital, by this time it was about 7:30pm or so, and I was checked out. My BP was normal at presenting, and I felt like an idiot and the doctor appeared to not believe that it was that high only less than an hour before. I had all the usual tests done and was told that I was going to be induced since my due date was in four days.

I had the gel put in and was told to sleep as tomorrow was D-Day. All night it felt like the "period pain" was getting worse and when I got up the next morning it was quite painful. I was taken into the birth suite and was given all kinds of wonderful drugs. I had gas, pethidine, oxytocin, epidural and a local anaesthetic. At midday, when I was in labour, I stalled at 8cm and Isaac was trying to come out, so I had to have an epidural to help my body catch up and stall him from coming. At 2:56pm, my little baby boy was born. I had stitches just in case as I had some tears.

Everything was going smoothly once I got back to my room until day three. At first I thought I had the baby blues since I had little sleep and Isaac wouldn't latch to my breast. I tried in vain to breastfeed but it wasn't working and the nurses said to keep at it, it will happen soon. I stayed in hospital for seven days and was glad to go home but scared stupid at the same time. Like every new mum, the learning starts because there is nobody to help you at 2am.

At three months, I had just gotten over the stitches, and had Isaac on formula since he was three weeks old as breastfeeding wasn't working, and we were living with family in a three bedroom house with five adults plus animals and a baby. Most of our belongings were in our tiny room and we could barely open the cupboard to get our clothes. I was stressed out that we didn't have our own place to live, and would cry at the drop of a hat, had no sex drive, was completely tired all the time and was extremely snappy at everyone. Isaac had started teething and I had no idea - I thought he was trying to "piss me off". I felt like I had to be perfect and know everything - a Supermum.

I knew family members were talking about me behind my back because I'd walk into a room and they'd stop talking. Little did I realise they were talking about me having Post Natal Depression (PND). At some point I was taken to the doctor by my husband and I spilled the beans to both of them. I was put on medication and was thoroughly encouraged to see a counsellor - but never did, we couldn't afford it.

After taking the medication for a week, I felt like I still had to be Supermum. I felt like since I had been diagnosed, I should know what to do and family should be a little more accepting and helpful - in my eyes at the time, it never happened. Now I know they didn't know how to help me the way I needed to be.

Things came to fever pitch and my husband and I had a massive fight with our other family members and we moved to my parents place. My husband moved back two weeks later to find us somewhere to live. When Isaac was nine months old, we moved into our new home. It wasn't much but we had our own place - finally.

Not long later, I went off my medication but was still depressed. The medication I was on made me put on 17kg despite eating next to nothing. Before and in the early days of pregnancy as well as post pregnancy, I would starve myself and only eat when others were eating - like dinner. Sometimes this was my only meal of the day plus a coffee in the morning. I trained myself to eat properly again and since then, I have never skipped a meal. I realised I was becoming anorexic and caught myself just in time to save myself.

I still struggle with depression and when I was pregnant with my second child, I again had Pre Natal (Antenatal) Depression. I had been diagnosed with depression when my husband and I were dating and we have been married almost five years now.

With my second pregnancy I had morning sickness nearly the whole way through and my labour was two hours and 17 minutes with only pethidine for pain relief as there was no time to give me anything else. I presented at the hospital at 4:30pm and when they wheeled me into the birth suite, I was told to push straight away. Less than half an hour before, I was 5cm dilated. We were worried that the same thing that had happened with my son was happening again, so I was told not to push - and that's hard! That's when they took me to the birth suite. My daughter Matilda is now four weeks old.

At this point in time, while I have symptoms of Post Natal Depression, I do not want to take medication. I take vitamin tablets, talk more to my family about what I'm feeling and cut myself some slack - I'm not a Supermum and I never will be. I will deal with depression for the rest of my life, and I know my "triggers" so I let my family know when things aren't right. If I need to go on medication - I will, nothing is more important to a child than a functioning mum who can care for her child without the child being scared of her.

Editor's Notes: Since Megan wrote her story recently, she has contacted us with this update:
"Today I was rediagnosed with mild Post Natal Depression. It is not enough for me to go onto medication just yet, however if things don't improve in the next couple of weeks then I might end up taking it again. It's not easy knowing you're going backwards again but after every night of having six hours broken sleep and an almost three year old fighting you from the second you open your eyes to the second they fall asleep, it just takes it's toll sometimes. Knowing I have options makes me feel better than knowing I don't have any. After Isaac was born, I didn't feel like I had any options beside the one that I was in..."

Mum Zone wishes Megan all the best in her road to recovery.

If you or someone you know (be it male or female) seems to be showing signs of depression or anxiety, seek help. A good place to start is www.beyondblue.org.au.

If you are a Mum who has a story to tell or you know of one, email your story to admin@mumzone.com.au. If you have a photo feel free to include it in your email.

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