Life Coaching for Mums - Kirsti's Response

Mum Zone's resident Life Coach Kirsti of Spheres of Success is available to answer some of your questions about a variety of life related issues.Topics include feeling down, work-life balance, getting enough sleep, spending enough time with your kids, the direction of your relationship, pursuing your dream job, learning to put yourself first, establishing your own identity and many more.

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Reader's Question

We have a gorgeous 2.5 year old daughter, who is definitely going through terrible twos. I work fulltime and her dad is the homemaker. She purposely tries to annoy me and make me rouse at her. She chews on her hair, picks her nose and screams out. I find she doesn't listen to me as much as her dad. She is still going to sleep with a bottle on a pillow on our lap in the loungeroom, then we put her to bed, I know it's our fault but how can we change her? I find my patience level is very low. Please help me!

Kirsti's Response

Hi and thanks for your email,

I appreciate you are going through a challenging time with your 2.5 year old. Like you, I have a 2.5 year old girl who has also hit the 'terrible' twos! However, I noticed I was focusing on the 'terrible' and changed the word into "terrific" twos! Instead of reacting negatively each time she vented and had a little tantrum, I chose to let her go, stay calm and mindful that she is probably feeling frustrated. This has taken some work for me to be in this 'calm' state, however it's working. As I am a Life Coach and not a child behaviour expert, I can offer you some help to assist you to manage your feelings and emotions through this time.

Children are just a reflection of who we are being in any given moment. They are here to teach us some very valuable lessons about ourselves and to challenge us! Your little girl may just be acting out and what she may be really saying is "attention, please!". Toddlers are very good at vying for attention - good or bad. You may like to create a day or even a few hours on the weekend where its just you and your little girl - special 'girl' time for the two of you where you plan on doing something fun so you can both connect and enjoy each others company. She will love this!

In relation to your daughter having her bottle on your lap and then you put her into bed, I have put some questions together below. It may be a good idea to get a pen and paper, time alone and answer these questions. You may be surprised what comes up for you and you may be even find your answer hidden somewhere.

• How is this working for you now?
• What 'rules' have you placed on the bed time routine?
• How would it feel for you to 'go with the flow' at night while she is going through this stage?
• Is it possible she may just want some extra cuddles from mum at night?
• How would you like this situation to be?
• What do you need to tell yourself to make this ok for you and your daughter?
• What needs to change to help you move forward with your daughter?
• What do you need to do to help your daughter manage her behaviour?

What YOU may do to help manage your emotions and deal with whatever arises.

• Realise the need to manage a worrying mind so that it doesn't affect your girl
• Remember, the more you worry, the more you worry, It has a karmic effect
• Consider writing as a way to consciously explore and manage your concerns
• Write a list of positive thoughts to counter-attack those that fuel your concerns
• Watch your thoughts and notice when they are snow balling
• Identify any unhelpful beliefs such as "my child has to stick to a perfect routine at night"
• Meditate to create space and take the edge off any tension
• Set aside time to talk with your daughter to see what she is thinking and how you can help her. Be sure to let her know that you love her.

My little girl went through a stage where she would not go to bed on her own. She would cry hysterically if I left her alone. It was heart breaking! I tried everything in the book, researched on the internet, spoke to child experts, consulted friends and family however nothing was working. This challenging period went on for almost 8 weeks (I was also pregnant mind you!) and I was exhausted to say the least. Whatever I tried did not work. I ended up having her in our bed (against all the rule books!). I felt guilty that I was not doing the 'right' thing. This posed the question - what is the 'right' thing? There are countless books with countless opinions on what to do when your normal routine changes. I finally listened to my intuition - my gut feeling. I put all the books down, did not ask any one else's opinion and trusted I knew the answer.

The answer? my little girl was going through separation anxiety and she needed me. She needed to be close with me when she went to bed. I chose to do what I wanted to do and to "go with the flow". I chose to let go of all my 'rules' and negative thoughts. I chose to just 'be present' for her. Guess what? when I finally figured this out, she grew out of this stage very quickly because she got what she needed. My lesson? go with the flow. Its works beautifully for me now whenever I come across a tricky situation.

I hope this information provides you with some assistance. If you would like to speak with me personally, please contact Kirsti directly on 0413 254 207.

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The opinions expressed on this page are of a general nature and are by no means a substitute for professional advice. Therefore neither Mum Zone or Kirsti Boothroyd of Spheres of Success are liable for any actions pertaining to the use of the supplied information.