Guidance on Your Child's Behaviour and Child Care - Ruth's Response

Mum Zone's resident Child Behavioural and Child Care Expert Ruth, author of Choosing Child Care, is available to answer some of your questions.

Topics include: Guiding children's behaviour, setting developmentally appropriate limits / rules, holistic parenting, children's spiritual growth, establishing routines, activity ideas, setting up the home environment to help support routines and limits, strategies for dealing with sibling rivalry / establishing positive relationships, choosing a child care centre that meets your child's and family's needs, settling children into care outside of the home, being involved in your child's day when they attend care.

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Reader's Question

My son is 5 years old, he has always been a bit more to handle than my other children, but figured when he started school he would start to snap out of it. He has a tendency to just snap, but in a few minutes be fine and wanting to play again, he will hurt his sister who is 8 and is epileptic even though he knows not to hurt her as it can throw her into a seizure, and other times he can be the most caring little boy towards her especially when she is ill. He can't seem to just play at the same level eg. if his sister wants to play wrestle that will last about 2-3 minutes before he takes it to the next level to actual violence. There is also times where he will flat out be defiant and won't listen to a thing that he is asked and will reply with just a "NO" or some kind of fowl language to his sister. Some days he will eat like a horse and other days he won't eat a thing, I spoke to his teacher the other day and she has said he does not speak in class at all, I can't understand why when he doesn't stop at home. We get through the whole fighting to get ready for school to the arguments after school, to the trouble with eating to come to the battle of bedtime, he will go to bed at his set time but will get up at least 15-20 times if not more and am at a loss as I have run out of things to try when it comes to his behaviour. He has been grounded, been sent to his room, sat in a naughty corner, had his favourite things taken from him including his TV, dvd and most valued toys. If I get cranky at him he will constantly bash his head on something. Please help...

Ruth's Response

Hello

I think you are right to start to look at different strategies for this problem. Once behaviour gets to this point it really is important to take a new direction otherwise it will keep getting worse and harder to handle as your son gets bigger. I truly believe however that you can turn this around. This is where a holistic / positive behaviour guidance plan really sets itself apart from more traditional tactics that can easily see you running around in circles. The outcome you are looking for is to see the behaviours stop.

Whenever I have an ongoing challenging behaviour present with my own children (who are also 5 and 8), I always 'take a step back' and examine it from all perspectives - this starts with examining how I am handling the behaviour. When behaviours are ongoing and starting to affect many aspects of the day (such as sleep, eating, behaviour in general) it is often the case that children do need clearer limits and boundaries but they need to be presented in a different way. There are many techniques you can use that will support this.

It is best to choose the most extreme behaviour to deal with first. With your son it's appears clear that this would be aggressive behaviour. I suggest implementing some new 'family rules'. Think about a couple of rule changes that will help you manage aggressive behaviour. One rule I can see is a 'no play fighting rule'. We have a strict 'no hitting each other' family rule. We made this rule as it is too hard to expect younger children to understand the different boundaries surrounding play fighting. Your 5 year old may need a couple of calm reminders about the new family rule if he goes to initiate this game, yet your 8 year old really shouldn't so that will help. Also make it clear to your 8 year old that she is not to ever hit him back that she must go to you. My five year old has actually suddenly decided to challenge this rule in the past couple of months. She was outside playing when she last hit her brother a couple of weeks ago. I firmly (yet calmly) reminded her that "we do not hit in our family" and she had to come inside to play for 10 minutes before being allowed to return outside to play. I have also let her know that she needs to come and tell me if Ethan won't listen to her. I would then talk her through how to handle it by going out and helping her talk with Ethan or explain that sometimes Ethan needs time to himself. I can see how younger children can get frustrated as their older siblings have more advanced language skills, children often hit out of sheer frustration. Therefore we need the balance of setting clear limits "we do not hit in our family" that are not to be broken (Ethan never hits her back which I praise him for) yet still having an understanding of the whole situation so that we can truly resolve it. Other strategies I suggest are:

• Always stay calm and therefore in control. When you start arguing with him you have handed your control over. Keep explanations simple and clear I find "because I said so" quite effective. If he wants to throw himself on the floor of scream that's OK.
• When he is being caring towards his sister tell him what a great brother he is.
• Pick your battles - for instance he sounds like overall he is a good eater, children do just go through times when they are not as hungry so don't get too worried about this.
• Be aware (especially as you have older children) that he is not being exposed to TV or video games that are inappropriate. If your children are watching TV shows or playing any games with violence in them (even cartoons) I would ban them. Your children may object but they will quickly move on when they can see your mind is made up. Do not implement this as a punishment however - it is just simple that mummy feels they are not appropriate - or they could just be put away and your children may not notice.
• Have more one on one time with him - and give him a few more spontaneous kisses and cuddles and lots of praise for appropriate behaviour , "Thank you for helping your sister with that.... etc." This is important when implementing new rules.
• Work towards a calm morning routine - it took me a while to figure this routine out. Now I have lunches ready to go, clothes laid out. Rule is children get dressed before anything else (I have put a reminder note on the heater) and then breakfast and play. I stopped TV as I found (to my surprise) is was a hinder to our morning. I keep breakfast simple with a healthy cereal.
• Your son is still only 5 and it sounds like he is still feeling a little overwhelmed with starting school. My daughter has found it hard and is also extremely quiet at school. School can be a big transition. Keep talking with his teacher; if you are able perhaps give him a day off here and there. I have started picking Paige up at lunch time one day per week - I give her the choice for this day to whether I pick her up early or not as I want her to have some sense of control regarding school.

This is a more in depth problem and therefore hard for me to go into too much detail yet I would be happy to give you a free 20 minute phone consult if you would like. Your can email me through my website www.choosingchildcare.com.au. You may also find my article Routines, Rules and Rituals helpful.

Regards,

Ruth

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The opinions expressed on these pages are of a general nature and are by no means a substitute for professional advice. Therefore neither Mum Zone or Ruth Powell of Choosing Child Care are liable for any actions pertaining to the use of the supplied information.