Guidance on Your Child's Behaviour and Child Care - Ruth's Response

Mum Zone's resident Child Behavioural and Child Care Expert Ruth, author of Choosing Child Care, is available to answer some of your questions.

Topics include: Guiding children's behaviour, setting developmentally appropriate limits / rules, holistic parenting, children's spiritual growth, establishing routines, activity ideas, setting up the home environment to help support routines and limits, strategies for dealing with sibling rivalry / establishing positive relationships, choosing a child care centre that meets your child's and family's needs, settling children into care outside of the home, being involved in your child's day when they attend care.

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Reader's Question

Hi Ruth,

I have an 18 month old son Nicholas. He is our first child. In the last three months he has become extremely clingy to me to the point that he cries and throws a tantrum everytime I leave the room or go to the kitchen (we have a safety gate up), eventhough he can still see me and I tell him where I'm going and how long I will be. He's also very shy in social settings and will often take quite a while to adapt to new situations, clingy onto my leg until he feels safe. Whilst I accept that this is probably a stage he is going through, he is very demanding and I'm wondering if there is anything I can do to help him feel more safe/secure in the home and also in social settings?

Ruth's Response

Hello

Being clingy as this age is normal and nothing for parents to worry about. Some children just do find it harder to move into a different environment and Nicholas is still young. I know however from my own son who was extremely clingy how emotionally exhausting it can be. You sound like you are doing the right thing when you are out - just let him move off in his own time. The only other thing I can suggest is to avoid talking about the situation whilst he is around.

At home I feel this is a slightly different situation. Nicholas does appear to be over reacting at home with the tantrums particularly given that he can still see were you are. Usually tantrums continue when children are getting a desired outcome for them - do you end up taking him into the kitchen with you? Do you try and console, talk, reason or become stern with him? as any of these things would reinforce to him that the tantrums quickly get your attention. I am going to outline some suggestions that I think will really help with the tantrums and independence from you at home. Some of these suggestions may not seem to link but many different factors can support the development of a child's independence in the safety of a secure environment.

• Become aware of (at times) letting Nicholas have his own space / time when he does go off and play independently without any input (not always possible) from you. Either inside or outside if you have a secure yard. If he is in his own little world put off lunch (for example) for 1/2 hour to allow him to continue playing. If it is time to do something else give him a warning "five more minutes and then we have to..."
• Stick as much as possible to a daily routine, this gives a child a sense of rhythm which young children love. This can also be enhanced by introducing outings/activities such as every Monday and Thursday mornings walk to the local park with morning tea. Every Tuesday cook together ending with Nicholas helping to do the dishes - as children at this age love to do what they see Mummy doing.
• Don't feel guilty about taking time out for you - leave him with your partner or someone he knows well and go and do something that you find relaxing. If he gets upset at you leaving stay positive, say bye and tell him you will be back soon.

Good news! Go and make yourself that cup of coffee (alone) in your kitchen guilt free! Nicholas can still see you and importantly he is secure in his own environment. If you're going to go into the kitchen and you can see an impending tantrum just say in a light, calm tone "Mummy is just going to... And then sing to yourself! or talk to yourself "Where did I leave that coffee cup…no not in the dishwasher... you could briefly engage with Nicholas through the same ‘theatrics' such as "O... Nicholas I found your cup though I will get you a drink too…" If when you walk out he is still upset (in the same light tone) you could say "lets go and have our drinks together" and proceed to sit down, don't become' involved in the tantrum. If it is still upset drink your tea or coffee (coffee always helps!) - give no attention and perhaps after another minute try the same theatrics "O...I just saw a gecko run along the window" - go over to investigate I am sure he will be at your side in no time. Act as though nothing has happened and hunt for that invisible gecko together! The same applies for instance if he was to come over to you and he was still a little upset - you could then say (for instance) lets have a cuddle, and then go and read a book together. There are occasions when a child gets into such a state that continues to escalate that they have really forgotten what is was all over in the first place and find it hard to stop, in this instance you may need to go over and offer a cuddle. The "theatrics" I suggested however should prevent this as he will have an ear on this strange behaviour that his mother is suddenly displaying!

Before you know it you will have the opposite problem - when dropping my 8 year old off at school this week I just hear a bye as he runs off... actually I don't think he even said bye today, last week I was still getting a big hug and kiss... hmmm I obviously have more of a problem with this than he does!

Regards,

Ruth

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The opinions expressed on these pages are of a general nature and are by no means a substitute for professional advice. Therefore neither Mum Zone or Ruth Powell of Choosing Child Care are liable for any actions pertaining to the use of the supplied information.