Guidance on Your Child's Behaviour and Child Care - Ruth's Response

Mum Zone's resident Child Behavioural and Child Care Expert Ruth, author of Choosing Child Care, is available to answer some of your questions.

Topics include: Guiding children's behaviour, setting developmentally appropriate limits / rules, holistic parenting, children's spiritual growth, establishing routines, activity ideas, setting up the home environment to help support routines and limits, strategies for dealing with sibling rivalry / establishing positive relationships, choosing a child care centre that meets your child's and family's needs, settling children into care outside of the home, being involved in your child's day when they attend care.

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Reader's Question

I would like to know if I am motivating my children correctly in terms of toileting behaviour (twin girls aged 3.5 years). I have trouble getting them to do BM (bowel movement) on the potty, having used all manner of bribery, rewards and encouragement. Sometimes my frustration shows. They are more or less fully toilet trained except in this area. Am I expecting too much and hoping they will just "get it". I feel the need to get on top of this since they will be starting pre-school soon.

Ruth's Response

Hello

You are certainly not alone when it comes to experiencing toilet training setbacks. I am assuming that your girls are in underpants at least throughout the whole day? (as opposed to pull ups.) If not I would swap over at this stage as pull ups / or wearing nappies for part of the day can make the toilet training process longer. This is a great opportunity to go "big girl pants shopping". I would also look at throwing the potty away given that they are more or less toilet trained (I would suggest doing this with the girls in a ceremonious way!) and declare them such big girls now they can use the big toilet - perhaps go together to buy a cheap step stool to help them independently use the toilet.

I would also just check that they are not scared of doing a BM - some children can be confused about BMs - it can be a little more confronting to children than doing a wee. You could in very simple terms talk about using the big girl's toilet - perhaps after the good bye ceremony to the potty! Through saying something along the line of "Our clever bodies let us know when we need to go to the toilet (do a poo!) and then we flush the toilet and it goes around and around and down with the water". If they are feeling concerned in any way they would probably then ask you questions - if not you could just leave it at that.

As you have already tried rewarding etc. I would now take the opposite approach - as frustrating as it can be stay calm when an accident happens, give a quick reminder that they need to take themselves to the toilet or ask you for help when they need to go. Pay minimal attention to it but as they are 3½, I would have them help with getting themselves changed and even tipping the BM down the toilet - in saying this make this task as boring and fuss free as possible. Also by saying this it's OK if they seem to enjoy this, things will still be moving in the right direction and the novelty will wear off a little. You could even have a fun activity on hand and when one needs to get changed pull the activity out for the other (not as a punishment for the child who had an accident however). If possible even start a fun activity (have playdough ready to pull out for example) when you know an accident has happened and then surprise, surprise the fun activity has begun but "Oh... 'Samantha' you need to come and get yourself changed - you can come back to this after". Even send them off by themselves to begin with to go and get more clothes and stay at the activity for a while having a wonderful time with her sister - reinforcing that little attention is now given to the child who has had the accident. I am suggesting this as it sounds like they may be continuing to have accidents as they get attention for it (even it is negative attention). Making the changing task as mundane as possible and taking most attention away from it should help.

Regards,

Ruth

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The opinions expressed on these pages are of a general nature and are by no means a substitute for professional advice. Therefore neither Mum Zone or Ruth Powell of Choosing Child Care are liable for any actions pertaining to the use of the supplied information.