Guidance on Your Child's Behaviour and Child Care - Ruth's Response

Mum Zone's resident Child Behavioural and Child Care Expert Ruth, author of Choosing Child Care, is available to answer some of your questions.

Topics include: Guiding children's behaviour, setting developmentally appropriate limits / rules, holistic parenting, children's spiritual growth, establishing routines, activity ideas, setting up the home environment to help support routines and limits, strategies for dealing with sibling rivalry / establishing positive relationships, choosing a child care centre that meets your child's and family's needs, settling children into care outside of the home, being involved in your child's day when they attend care.

Check out our Child Behavioural and Child Care page or read another question now!

Reader's Question

Ruth's Response

Hi,

It is great that you are beginning to look after yourself by getting professional help - which seems to have already had a positive effect through you being able to reflect on how this has been affecting your son. You have already taken the first big step in changing your relationship with your son. One of the most important things we can do as parents is ensure we do look after ourselves to truly be able to give to our children all that they need. Children are so intuitive to our energy and general well being. This is such a positive realisation for both you and your son, particularly your honesty (with yourself) in that you can find it challenging to be around him. I suspect this is more to do with the depression you have experienced that can leave you emotionally drained. Don't feel guilt regarding the past but instead stay focused on today and beginning to implement changes to ensure your son can be that confident little boy. I think you may be surprised as you start to see 'a different' side of your little boy emerge - with his unconditional love for you still very much intact.

I can relate to you feeling like a single mum with your husband working long hours. I often talk about the importance of routine for children but I also found it a God send for me personally when my own husband was away with work for extended periods. To whatever extent you feel able, start forming a routine or structure to your day/week. It will not only be very grounding for your son (as children love to have familiar rhythm in their day) but will also help your day flow more smoothly. Within this routine remember to look after yourself as well. I enjoyed sitting and having a coffee with my son when we went to the shops or after going to the park - it was a small thing but I looked forward to it. Set the routine up to meet your son's and your needs, yet implement small changes week by week so it does not feel overwhelming. You could start with a simple routine each morning such as waking up and giving your son a big kiss and cuddle, breakfast, read a story together and then take some time to sit and have your morning coffee time. Encourage your son to play by himself at this time or if he wants your attention you could give him the option of sitting with you for 'coffee' - I use to make my son milky tea! Whatever works and helps you with your day. You will be surprised how quickly your son will embrace a familiar, steady flow to his day. Other suggestions I have are:

• Is your husband able to have special son / father time? (perhaps going to the park for an hour every Saturday morning etc.) This will not only give you some space but will be very positive for your son, particularly as your husband works long hours. It is also positive (although I know not always possible) for children to have both parents participate in the day to day routines such as bathing and putting to bed even if only for a couple of regular nights a week.
  
  
• Each night when saying goodnight tells him something along the lines of how lucky you are to be his mummy.
  
  
• Talk to your son about emotions - acknowledge his feeling when you see him looking sad - "You look sad would you like a cuddle". You could let him know it's OK to feel sad sometimes... He may just like to sit and cuddle for a while or suggest going on an "adventure to see what you can see outside....a worm, a caterpillar...I wonder..." As you begin to role model 'happy' he will naturally follow in that.
  
  
• Even though you may feel emotionally disconnected from him give him a couple of spontaneous kisses and cuddles throughout the day - this will help you both start to feel more connected with each other.
  
  
• Remain calm even when having to redirect behaviour.
  
  
• Forming a routine in itself promotes positive interactions. Saying good morning with enthusiasm each day (even will you feel awful), making breakfast perhaps giving him a jug and letting him pour the milk himself, loading the dishwasher and letting him help if he wants, sitting having a coffee whilst he plays nearby - these are all little things but wonderful interactions and rhythms to the day and these little things are nourishing to young children.
  
  
• If you are really feeling awful on a particular day say something to him such as "Mummy feels really tired today", "After breakfast / story Mummy is going to sit down for a while and relax, what would you like to play while I sit for a while and read / relax?".

Have times during the day where you do encourage independent play so that you are able to get things done around the house and have some 'time out'. Setting the scene for this really helps. It is good for children to be able to play independently at times. If you are able to, sandpits are great - we just built one with rocks from the garden as the border and a $38 trailer of sand - I have not met a child yet who does not love a sandpit. Another great activity is play dough. Empty boxes can be a source of amazement as can a cheap swing hung from a tree that will be used for years to come. If he is becoming bored with his toys (as most children do) try packing half of them away and display the rest invitingly - he won't be able to help but explore these 'new' look toys and you can then swap them around further later on...

If you would like some further guidance you are welcome to contact me via my website and I would be happy to speak with you.

Regards

Ruth

View more Guidance on Your Child's Behaviour and Child Care Questions and Responses.

The opinions expressed on these pages are of a general nature and are by no means a substitute for professional advice. Therefore neither Mum Zone or Ruth Powell of Choosing Child Care are liable for any actions pertaining to the use of the supplied information.