Baby Sleep Help - Natalie's Response

Mum Zone's resident Sleep Expert Natalie of Sleep and Settle is available to answer some of your questions about settling your baby and more.

Topics include: Sleeping and settling, moving from bassinette to cot, cot to bed, breastfeeding/formula, solids, floorplay for babies and play for toddlers/children, wrapping/sleeping bags/dressing baby, behaviour/tantrums, what's normal? bedroom environments, music, lights, entertainment, mattresses, mattress protectors, sheets, unsettled babies and the 0-12 week afternoon arsenic hours, reflux/colic, teething, worms, toilet training, night terrors/nightmares, the older child issues 5-10 years and single parenting/separation/divorce.

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Reader's Question

I am in desperate need of your help and am utterly exhausted and confused. My baby daughter is ten and a half months old and has only very rarely slept through the night usually waking up around 1am/2am for a breastfeed after her last breastfeed at about 8.30/9pm. She then wakes up at about 5am/6am for another feed and then goes back to sleep for a couple of hours. The only way I can get her back to sleep is to breastfeed her and she usually goes back to sleep straight away after a feed although now that she is teething I am finding that she will only go back to sleep in my arms or in bed with me and is waking up more often - usually three times. My husband has tried to settle her but she only wants me and will only settle to sleep once I have fed her. I don't know if it is hunger or comfort but I am so exhausted after ten months of broken sleep that I only have the energy to bring her back to bed and breastfeed her to sleep and often I fall asleep myself from exhaustion!! If it is hunger then is my breastmilk not satisfying her enough, am I not giving her enough breastfeeds/foods or the right foods? If it is for comfort, how do I break this cycle? During the day she catnaps and will only fall asleep if I breastfeed her, hold her in my arms or in the pram/car. Sometimes she doesn't sleep at all except on me when she breastfeeds! Often I find I put her down to sleep after a feed and she wakes up five minutes later crying and wanting to be picked up and will not resettle. We find it really hard to get her to fall asleep in her cot on her own and self settle. As well as breastfeeding, she has three main meals/solids and sometimes has a snack if she appears hungry mid morning/afternoon. Despite the lack of sleep, she is a happy baby, is growing well, has lots of wet/dirty nappies and is doing everything that she should be doing at this age. I keep telling myself that I am doing a good job but when I talk to other mums who have babies who sleep through the night and have naps during the day I feel like such a failure. I am going back to work soon and don't know how I am going to cope with the added pressure of work ontop of running on empty. I am also confused about when I should be dropping feeds and weaning her onto cows milk at one year old. As she is still demanding a feed at night I am hesitant to drop a feed during the day. I tried dropping her mid morning feed (usually an hour after breakfast) and giving her a snack instead but found that she didn't have a sleep in the morning anymore and she seemed to want to breastfeed so I am now giving her this feed and she seems to be more satisfied. I currently let her guide me as to when to breastfeed her - which is usually four to six hourly - on a good day 5am breastfeed, 7.30-8.30 breakfast, 9-10 breastfeed, 12-12.30 lunch, 1.30-2.30 breastfeed, 5-5.30 dinner, 6.30-7 breastfeed, 9-9.30 breasfeed and then during the night as mentioned earlier. Is this normal at this age for a breastfed baby? Should I be dropping feeds now and replacing a feed with a snack/ (milk when she is one year old)? I am so tired and confused. I love my baby dearly and want to do the best for her and meet her needs that is why I have continued to sacrifice sleep/time for myself/time with my husband but I am finding it is really taking its toll now and I am desperate for help/advice. We have tried everything and nothing seems to work and I really don't want to do controlled crying except as a last resort. Any help you can give us would be greatly appreciated.

Natalie's Response

Hi,

I appreciate that you are tired and would like some direction. Thank you for the detail in your email. You are not a failure, you have been an attentive mum doing the very best job you knew how to do. As I say to many mums who approach me asking for help, what you have needed to do to help your baby to sleep until now was right for your family and was your survival technique. There was nothing wrong with your routine until you decided it needed changing. Try not to compare your baby with others as every baby is different and achieve developmental milestones at different ages. What is right for some babies is not right for all babies. Also consider that your baby is a unique combination of you and your husband and even future children will be different to this one. Just take one sleep at a time and one day at a time. Please seek support from your Child and Family Health Nurse, your GP, local mothers group or the Australian Breastfeeding Association. There are lots of mums continuing to feed overnight older than your daughter and you may feel some support from hearing other mums stories in a group setting.

Consider the following:

• 9-12 month olds are generally up by 7-7.30am, morning sleep starting around 9-10am, afternoon sleep starting around 1-2pm, bedtime at 7pm despite the night you had the night before. If you change the routine each day to compensate for the night before you will always be playing catch-up instead of planning the day to improve the night.
  
  
• Very active floor play in between all sleeps. Encourage the crawling and cruising on the furniture. No TV, walkers, jolly jumpers or strollers before the two day sleeps.
  
  
• 9-12 months, solids are now the priority and 'meals' and the milk feeds are the 'snacks'. If she is eating a balanced diet including fresh, protein and processed foods in each meal and at least two milk feeds in 24 hours your daughter is capable of sleeping 7pm-7am. Generally at 9 months babies need three milk feeds during the daytime, at 10 months two milk feeds and at 11 months 1 milk feed. If this milk feed is a breastfeed it can be continued as long as you wish. Formula is not needed after 12 months. If you wish to wean after 12 months you may introduce one sipper cup of cows milk with her stories, then clean her teeth and bed at 7pm. You may of course offer as many breastfeeds as you like during the day, I have just provided you the minimum ones needed.
  
  
• I would encourage a sleeping bag for all sleeps and a sheet to firmly tuck your baby in with in the cot. A serene, dark sleeping environment and no entertainment in the room. Background noise is appropriate to cover the phone during the daytime. If she is crawling in the cot no blankets are needed, just the sheet tucked in tightly. Choose the layers of the clothing and the weight of the sleeping bag for her warmth.
  
  
• I would encourage you to find a gentle self settling strategy that you are comfortable with. You do not have to do controlled crying. It is wise however to acknowledge that changing over 10 months of sleep habits will not happen overnight or without your intelligent, sensitive baby protesting about the changes. I find it takes the babies 3-7 days to forget old habits and learn how to self-settle and lots of consistency and persistency. As the adults we create the good and not so good habits and it is out consistent application of the new routine that helps the baby understand the new routine.
  
  
• If you would appreciate a plan outlining 5 simple steps to helping your baby sleep well and offering you choices in settling strategies to suit your baby and family please see www.sleepandsettle.com.au Please see the changes as a process and expect 3-7 days to achieve your goals.
  
  
• You do not have to do this alone. Please reach out to your husband, neighbours, family friends and health professionals and local groups around you. Parenting can be very stressful and very rewarding at the same time. It's ok to ask for support. Communicate your needs with your husband and work on solving the sleeping issues together as a team.

Hope this helps,
Natalie

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The opinions expressed on these pages are of a general nature and are by no means a substitute for professional advice. Therefore neither Mum Zone or Natalie Ebrill of Sleep and Settle are liable for any actions pertaining to the use of the supplied information.